I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
