she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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