i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
