I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
