I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
