mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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