I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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