I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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