That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
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I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
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I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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