Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
