I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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