four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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