Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
