My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
