new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
