also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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