Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
