somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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