I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
