what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
