Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I want a musical about memes.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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