I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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