hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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