she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
