so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
