I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
