I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
whose parrot is this?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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