She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
