I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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