Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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