Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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