get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
