I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
