On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
love makes seman taste better
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
