I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
