yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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