Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
