So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
