I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I smell like Dick and happiness
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
