Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
