well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
