Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
