you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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