the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
