someone get that fucking seahorse.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
