Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
