He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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