so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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