i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
