I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
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It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
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Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
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