I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I looked at my own cervix.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
