According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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