Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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