she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
