I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I think I died a long time ago.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
