Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
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Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
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I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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