you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
