I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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