i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
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Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed