i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.