Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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