If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
29 Unspoken Rules Of “Bro Code”
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream