I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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