she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
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