Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I wish there were birth control emojis
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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