Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
