you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
